Maybe its time to let go

I have been such a useless granddaughter. wrapped in my work, jobs, friends, books. I must have learnt breathing exercises and got her to do it regularly. I must have made her walk. must have rubbed camphor and coconut oil more often. must have done accupressure. must have forced the garlic with milk. must have done more house work.

I must have learnt more about her favourite topics and chatted more with her. I was there all the while and stayed useless. I will regret this all my life. And I deserve it. for I got so much love.

"leave me dear" were the words I heard last from her. that was yesterday evening. she is fading and I am helpless.

I have always vowed to be better after every hospital visit and failed miserably. I prayed hard for a miracle again. I prayed for apollo. apollo that will service her organs with mechanical precision. apollo that saved her from near death once. But yesterday what aunt said made sense. No more pain, no more risks. just peace.

Peace from the IVs pierced all over sprinkly veins. Peace that will smooth her brows. peace from that throbbing cancerous bubble in her throat. a throat narrowed by three surgeries. peace from the dozens of tablets painfully gulped down.

I cannot see her fighting those binds. I cannot see her with the pipe down her throat. her most dreaded fear.

What Uncle Sam said comes back. Accept and let go, only then can they move head. I love you Ammama. I love you. forgive me if you can.